Living Life With Chronic Pain

A Declaration from someone living life with Chronic Pain.

Who am I?

I have spent so much time, as I'm sure everyone has, thinking of all the things I used to do and the person I used to be. I can see my life before and after all this.

The before was so great. Sure I had my problems, but overall I was fairly well. I was the one who had the parties for every occasion, the one who was there in any crisis, the center of a party my kids use to say.

All fragments of time and places in my mind that I go back to when I'm feeling down. But I also have tried to hang onto that person now that my pain has taken over and I've decided, for me personally, that it might not be a good thing. Not the wonderful memories mind you, but the time and energy to keep that part of me going.

The fact is, it just isn't possible. I CAN NOT do the things I use to, period.

And I'm sorry, but I don't want to make compromises that still make me feel like less than I am or what I could be.

I don't want to be reminded anymore of my short comings. I have spent so much time still trying to be THAT person that I've lost site of who I am now.

People living with chronic conditions do not want to give up!

They make efforts to laugh, smile, look their best and enjoy everything, even though they know they will pay dearly for it. Because of this, we should not confuse their endeavors to live fully and be positive, with assuming they are feeling well or doing better.

Instead, let us commend them for their incredible courage, perseverance and persistence that make their illnesses and injuries seem invisible to us.

And I'm not accepting this lying down.

I think I can still be alright even with the life changes that chronic pain brings. You know you try to be up and not let anyone know how difficult things have become that you don't take time to let go even for a minute and say, where do I go from now on?

I don't want to spend the rest of my life in the BEFORE and AFTER. I just want to somehow live it to the best that I can now.

Friends who have reminded me of my love for reading, music, and yes, and the poetry I use to write myself. I find laughter and jokes and also sorrow that goes with life with or without pain.

I have had to rid myself of so much anger. I know what I have lost, but now I also know what I have gained. I want to start anew and reinvent myself.

I will ALWAYS have sad days and days when my pain is almost too much to bear, but I want to go forward also and find the joy and happiness that I thought was forever lost to me.

Plain and simple... I want to have fun once in awhile, just like every other living breathing human being. I don't think that's too much to ask for. There is life AFTER Chronic Pain, we just have to look for it.

I have no doubt, when I have one of those days where all this optimism vanishes up in smoke, that I will remember the person I use to be, and even cry for the loss, but I would like to grieve for her passing and celebrate who she was, and maybe....just maybe,take part of her along with me for the ride......

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